Break the silence. Here's my story

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. October 15th (today) is the 'wave of light ' event. The idea being wherever you are in the world at 7pm you light a candle in memory for babies taken too soon, if you keep it burning for an hour there will be a continual wave of light throughout the day. Now I don't know how true that is, but the idea is beautiful and I will be participating. Not only in memory of the babies I've lost, but to raise awareness and to help women who have also experienced a loss through miscarriage, still birth, SID and everything else feel like they are not alone.

Miscarriage ends 1 in 4 pregnancies, that is a huge amount, yet it is never spoken about. It is hushed away, maybe because people just don't know how to talk about it. Maybe because they feel silly because the pregnancy ended early and they have nothing to remind them of the baby because they never met. How can you grieve for someone you never met? Maybe because they didn't tell anyone and now it's ended they don't want anyone to know. Who knows, everyone has their own reasons but the taboo feeling around it all makes people feel like it's something to be embarrassed about, that they should just move on from. But it's not as easy as that. I feel more women should open up about this subject and reach out to one another, it's a devastating thing to happen and feeling like theres no one to talk to only makes it worse. Even I feel it. I've been umming and ahhing about posting this. But isn't that the entire point I'm writing this!? To share a story, to break a silence!? Okay, here goes...

So here's my story. I'm the face of miscarriage,  I'm the one in four. I'm the mother of 5 angel babies. Yes, five.

The first time I fell pregnant was when I was 20, I came off the pill we decided we both wanted a baby, both had good jobs, cars, we had our home and we were ready to move onto the next step. Within a few months there they were, the two lines on the test. I was pregnant. I was so excited and happy I told everyone I knew and even began buying little bits. I booked my first 8 week midwife appointment and I was so excited I could have popped. Until the bleeding came, I went to the hospital, told my blood levels were too low and to prepare for the worst, which later came in a few days.

I had to cancel my appointment, retell everyone I'd told that I was no longer pregnant and my entire world seemed to crash around me. I had planned so much,  done everything right how could this have happened. That's the thing. As soon as you see those two lines on the test everything changes. You mentally work out when the baby will be born, when their scans will be, what their zodiac sign will be and you read up about their 'zodiac personality' , you imagine their face,  what their name will be, what you need to buy, where they will sleep, do you need a bigger car everything. You mentally create a little life with plans and create a little baby in your mind who you will meet in a matter of months. When you have a miscarriage, that not only physically rips your life apart but it kills all those dreams and ideas you had, in the cruellest of ways. I had this tattoo done in memory, on my left wrist. The symbol means guardian, and with the wings - guardian angel.

6 months later I was pregnant again. I had an early scan at 7 weeks and there he was bouncing about, heart pumping away my Danny. He was born at full term with no issues and was perfect.When Danny was about 5 and a half months old I started feeling uber tired and sick. I put it down to stress and having a particularlly hard time with Danny (he was an awfully clingy /hungry /sicky baby.) But the feeling wouldn't shift so I decided to test, I mean It couldn't be that I was pregnant... I was exclusively breastfeeding and taking the pill (most of the time) but there it was almost instantly two lines.. Pregnant!
 I had a scan within a few weeks as I had no idea how far along I was. At the scan I was a bundle of emotions, I still hadn't got my head around being pregnant again! That, and in the same week I had found this out I had been made redundant from my Job (that I was still on maternity leave from!) but let's not go there... Big sore spot. And anyways with having two kids under 2 I wasn't going to be going back to work for a while! The scan was a strange one, I saw my surprise little baby wriggling about but the sonoghrapher just sat there stone faced staring at the screen. After what felt like an eternity she said she had seen all she needed to see and baby was in good health but I needed to go and wait in a side room for someone to talk to me. A million things ran through my mind but as it happens,  Connor was a twin. His twin had died at around 8 weeks but my body hadn't rejected it. Infact they were sure the twin was being dissolved back into me and Connor. Which in a weird kind of way I'm glad of. By Connor's 20 week scan the twin had vanished. My beautiful boy Connor was born 10 days early with a few complications but nothing too major.
After Connor was born I didn't really want another surprise so I had the implant fitted. This lasted for about a year but it gave me the most hideous migranes, plus the brooding was back so I had it removed. Bang, one month later and I was pregnant. It didn't last long, and at 5 weeks I lost the baby. This time was particularly awful because it happened around Danny's birthday. I remember because I held off finding out my blood results till the Tuesday because it was his birthday on the Monday and I didn't want to ruin his special day. I hadn't told anyone about it this time, which was actually kind of worse because family and friends picked up on my mood and I then had to explain it, and everyone focused on me and how I was feeling in the present. It was like because I hadn't told anyone the pregnancy was easy to forget.

After that all finished I decided I couldn't possibly do this anymore and that maybe I needed to find another way to fill the void I felt. Craig and I have been together since I was 14, so for the best part of 11 years and even way back when we were young teenagers we always imagined ourselves with three children. A little outnumbered, a full car, a full home, a family of five. It's hard to explain. It just feels right. I felt like falling pregnant again wasn't something I wanted to happen so without really discussing it with Craig I went and had the coil fitted.  No more worries no more pregnancies for 5 years. Done.
We looked into becoming foster parents, as that void, that empty chair, the 'spare ' room upstairs was still evident. We got on really well, had a lady from the agency come to our home to discuss it all, and with her approval, we were given the application forms.
 One afternoon when the boys were out with their grandparents Craig and I visited a little pub by the broads we always used to go to before we had the boys for lunch. We sat there pen and paper in hand discussing everything we could to do with our new lives as foster parents. Only we were until Craig put his hand on mine and said "is this 100% what you truly want." In that instant he made me stop dead in my tracks. After a long talk we decided (as at the time we were unsure of his job role due to upcoming changes)  to put it on the backburner for a bit. To see how I felt in 6 months time. That we weren't quite ready to give up on our dream of three children just yet.
A week or so after that the coil (sorry no nice way to put this) came out on its own. We took this as a sign to try again. Once again I fell very quickly and within a few weeks I had lost another baby. We were devastated. Why did this keep happening!? I ate everything I should, nothing I shouldn't,  I gave up caffeine,  stopped any drinking or lifting heavy stuff,  took pregnacare. But no. Once again I was left feeling numb, empty, gutted.
Now here in the UK doctors don't tend to carry out any investigations until you have had three consecutive miscarriages with no live births in-between. Which sucks, but with how common miscarriage is, it's understandable. But I couldn't handle the fact my first miscarriage or Connor's twin 'didn't count'.  I was up to two consecutive ones and I begged for the doctor to help me. She carried out a rather extensive blood test to check my hormones, clotting agents, thyroid levels and lots more.  All came back perfect. Which was good news, but gave me no answers. We all went to a garden centre and brought flowers to put in a big barrel in the garden in memory of this little one. All summer our garden was filled with butterflies.

This sounds ridiculous, but within a month of the last miscarriage I was pregnant again. This time was the worst. I was terrified, everytime I went to the loo I was inspecting the paper for blood. Every night I prayed to still be pregnant in the morning,  and I counted every day. I went to my 8 week appointment. Filled out all the paperwork and had a date ready for my scan. Then it happened. We were at the zoo with the kids, we got off the train and I ran to the loo. Blood. We dropped the boys off at their bewildered grandparents (only my closest friends knew) and went to a&e.  I had my blood levels checked and an internal examination. I was told all was good, my levels were good and my cervix closed but just to come in for a scan in the morning. We went home in fairly good spirits excited to see our little secret baby the next morning a few weeks early. We told Craig's parents and my son Danny overheard us but was excited to become a big big brother. I met Craig at the hospital and went to the early pregnancy unit.  I lay down and lifted my top up.
I don't remember much just staring up at the ceiling tiles and the words 'not an ongoing pregnancy '. The baby I was carrying at what I believd to be 11 weeks and 5 days, ( two damn days from the 'safe zone') had stopped growing at 8 weeks. For nearly 5 weeks my body had held onto that baby and because of the 'pregnancy tissue', carried on producing hormones. So I was blissfully unaware of the devastation going on inside me. As soon as I got home that day I began bleeding heavily. It was like now she had told me I could let go. That night I lost so much blood I thought I was actually dying, and with it away came my baby. Like I mentioned before I had so much planned this time, I had an entire pintrest board full of cute and exciting ways I was going to announce the pregnancy with the boys being big brothers. I had been planning which bunk beds to get the boys as now they would be forever sharing a room..
I had names picked and had even stashed away baby toys into my wardrobe, which have now been moved into the loft. It's all so unfair.
No one will ever know how much I cried that day and trying to explain where Mummy's baby had gone to a three year old wasn't easy. We told him baby hadn't got big and strong like him and Connor and now she's gone to live in the stars. We brought some angel wings for the wall in memory and we look for the baby's star at night some times. We also brought a little angel to go with our 'family shelf :-) that Danny insisted stands with us, seriously he's such a sweet boy.

We are going for further investigations next month, until then I don't really know what's going to happen. All I know is we WILL have our third baby, however he or she comes into our lives
 Miscarriage is a nasty bastard and I'm very lucky to have a very supportve partner and brilliant friends, to go through it alone would be even more horrendous. Perhaps we will get answers one day, perhaps we won't. Most days I am okay. Some days the grief grabs me around the throat and I feel I can't even breathe let alone function that day. Sometimes it's because something reminds me, sometimes there's no reason at all. I try to be as positive as possible. I smile when I see a white feather, a lot seem to float down infront of me whilst I'm walking which is lovely. I know my babies are close and my boys have an entire entourage of guardian angel brothers and sisters!  I think of my babies often and how different my life would be if they were a part of it. Who would they be, what would they look like?  They will always be my favourite 'what if'.

Throughout all of this I have met other mothers going through a tough time, made new friends and gotten closer to old friends. Craig and I have grown stronger than ever and we cherish our boys so much more.
I will be lighting my candle for my angel babies and all the other little ones I know of taken too soon. So there you have it, there's my story. I've bared all. If this post reaches just one other person and makes them feel inspired to share their story, to break the silence or just that they aren't the only one going through the hell that is miscarriage it will all be worth it. I'm glad I've shared my story, for me. My candle will be burning all day.

I hold two children in my arms, and five in my heart. I am the 1 in 4. I am a mother, of seven.

XxxxX

Just wanted to add a little no,  MASSIVE  update! In September 2016 we welcomed our beautiful perfect little girl Evelyn Willow into the world. All 9.12lbs of her. My little wildflower, my missing puzzle piece. 

I was found to carry an RO anti body, and have lupus antecoagulent in my blood.....essentially  Thicker sticky blood. I had to take an aspirin a day and inject my stomach with tinzaparin every day throughout my pregnancy with her. 

It sucked, but I have an answer now and because of that when Evelyn chooses to start a family I can hopefully save her from mountains of heartbreak. Our family is complete and I'm beyond happy. She's the exclamation mark in the happiest sentence I could ever write. 

Never give up, never ever xx

To Danny, Connor and Evelyn. You were worth it all. Love Mummy xxxx