So it all started off to a good start, the boys slept out at their nannys. The house is eerily quiet, Craig was out working so just Evelyn and I at home. It was lovely to be able to wake up because that's when we wanted to, not because Connor is poking mt head and asking if it's morning yet....at 5.30am.
Craig came home with wine, chocolates and roses for me, as a little early valentines surprise. In all the years I've spent with that plonker he's never been able to keep a secret or a surprise, he was like a big kid this morning hopping about with a massive grin on his face. God I love that face...
So, beautiful start to the day. Couldnt get much better really. Craig went off to bed, I pottered about with really boring chores i shan't bore you further with, and got Evelyn ready for her first ever day out with her Nanny and brothers, without mum tagging along. I was a bit, a lot nervous! Of course I knew she would be fine and she would be so happy to go as shes always seemed sad seeing her brothers go without her. Her massive beaming smile whilst she kicked her legs in the back of nanny's car was enough reassurance of that!
So, I was free! Childfree for the day for the first time in 16ish months. I had all these plans, but I decided I needed to get out of the house of else ill spend the whole day doing rubbish chores and waste time I could be dedicating to myself.
I got in my car, Spotify playlist on full blast. No kids to strap in, no lego movie or moana songs on loop, no arguing over the air con being too hot or cold, no bags toys nothing. Just me.
I decided to visit my Mum at her home. I dont visit often, as the boys get really frightened and Evelyn just runs about and sometimes the other residents try to pick her up and its just all a bit too much.
As usual I start feeling sick, my stomach ties itself in knots and I carry on driving the way to her, even though in my head I am thinking up a bazillion other things I could be doing instead. After a few deep breaths I go in to find her asleep in a chair, just like all the other old men and women. She doesn't stand out, I mean she should. She should look completely ridiculous in an elderly care home. A woman aged 59. I should be planning her 60th party, making sure she got completely hammered and be going on spa days, pestering her to babysit and be nicking her clothes and jewelery. Talking to her on the phone for hours and be moaning at her for spoiling my kids. Just normal mother daughter stuff.
Instead, I sat there with her today, watching her stare into space. Occasionally locking eyes with me, smiling and turning away again. What can I talk to her about really? I wanted to tell her all about the trip to jump yesterday. First time in forever myself, my kids, both my brothers and my nephews were together, having fun, laughing and beginning a little treasure chest of family memories. Something that's so important, something that my brother and I want to give to our kids. But she was so distant, my brother had warned me...but I doubt she knew who I was today. There is something to brutal, so raw about looking your own Mum in the eye and realising she has no clue who you are. That she's so far away that her own daughter just becomes another face.
I only stayed a little while, my eyes were feeling prickly and my throat tight with every offer for tea or look from a member of staff. I drove home in a daze. The song everglow by coldplay always makes my mind drift to my Mum, the idea that the love someone gives you leaves an eternal glow, a feeling a warmth. No matter how the relationship ended. It was on shuffle, and the next song was the song I've chosen in mind for when Craig and I get married some day. Perhaps that was Mum's way of saying I love you, live your life enjoy it and make sure everyone you love, knows. I fully believe my Mum has gone, moved on. Just her physical presence remains. Perhaps its just a coincidence.
After stopping off breifly to just breathe and recentre myself I fully enjoyed walking around a shop in peace (I definitely deserved a bottle of wine tonight). I came home, woke Craig and had lunch together in bed.... What a novelty that is! I ran myself a hot bubble bath and didn't come out till I was wrinkly and relaxed. I put on comfy clothes, big socks and made a huge mug of fennel tea!
I received an email today telling me to apply for student finance for my up coming degree in September. I am so looking forward to beginning this new chapter, to train for something that has always been interesting to me. Something that will open up so many doors for myself and my family. Completing that application was really exciting, a little reminder it's really happening. Note to self, I really need to get Evelyn's childcare organised!
Lots of little knocks on the door signalled the three little monsters were home and hugs and kisses from them were exactly what I needed. Now the boys are asleep, and I am watching Moana for the 500th time cuddled up with my little squish. Hoping she drops off soon so I can crack open those chocolates.... And the wine!!
Until next time, thanks for visiting!
XxxxX
