Finding time for me!

So the backbone of this post will be something a little different to my usual. It will of course include my children (how could it not !?) but I was reading some of my very first posts, and the main reason I even started writing down my ramblings was to get back a sense of "me". So, here goes....me.....

 I am a mum of three small people, that along with everything else that comes with life means its so easy for me to slip into the background, into autopilot. The simple fact that that is the first thing I write when attempting to write about myself proves my point beautifully. Not that thats a bad thing, I mean they are a huge part of me, a little triology of me and Craig mixed together. But this has been bothering me for a while. Who is Grace, what does she like to do, whats her take on things. Tis a mystery. Like most mums, the only time i really have to muse over these things are once my little darlings are in bed, and even then I am on half alert to their calls ready to rush in with a tissue if Connor's nose is "broken and wet" ...full of snot again or Danny can't find his drink bottle, right next to his head. Sorry , I digress. Me, me me

I find my own sense of self a difficult thing to master at times because a lot of my life I haven't ever felt like I truley belonged anywhere. My family unit growing up was a total mess, I had a few friends but I never belonged to a close knit group like most girls my age. I tended to hang around with boys, draw or just be happier alone in my own mind. My early/mid teens was pretty much the same. I didnt feel like I ever had someone who I could completly be "me" around and that led to me being on autopilot mode a lot, I shunned everyone in high school, I think I left with 2/3 friends. No ones fault, I was totally unreachable, my walls so high no one had a chance. I got with Craig at 14 and he definetly saw me good bad and ugly, he was the only one I let in, I am so pleased he didn't turn and run at that point!

My life now is so much better in comparison. I have a beautiful trio of best friends who are so precious to me, they are my adopted family.They have seen me at my good bad and ugly (some of the pics ive sent to our groupchat must never be seen ha!) They really are the best. I have met and become brilliant friends with some of the lovilest ladies AKA the school mummas . I am even being a bridesmaid for the first ever time in Septemeber this year for one! Craig is still here by my side, and I feel we have been through so much in the last 14 years we are beyond strong. When I imagine my life as a crazy grandma with pet chickens and an extensive beaded necklace collection hes right there in the armchair next to me tutting about my bloody chickens and asking for a cup of coffee the way he likes it.
 My relationship with my eldest brother, sister in law and nephews has been sewn together stronger than ever through the tradegy of our mums illness and our want for a better childhood for all our children. Last weekend we went to the zoo together with Harry, our little brother, Diane and all the kids, it was the first time ever and looking back at all the selfies and pics taken really give me that warm fuzzy feeling that my kids have a relationship and memories with a fabulous nanny, all their aunts, uncles cousins etc... something I didnt get to experiance at their age! I am closer to my sister than ever before too and so enjoy our walks and times together with all the kids too. Family really is a beautiful thing, and belonging to one is super special.

All these positive relationship changes has really allowed me to drop a few layers of this shell I have created, and I do feel more "myself" than ever before. I do me, and honestly dont give a second thought to what someone else will think of my choices, I am unapolegetically me and it feels like freedom.

I dont tend to go for resolutions as such, but I like to give myself a word that is the focus of or the theme of the following year.Other years I have chosen words such as learn,grow and nurture. This years word was ME. Not in a self obbessed way, but in a I am underappreciated even by myself and thats going to change way. I listen to myself. That is such a massive and simple change!

I have dipped my toe back into the world of work. I am a supply co educator at a school. I have met some lovely people and totally awesome kids , some I knew before I left work way back in 2011 to have my Danny. I am really enjoying it, I have so much respect for the full time staff there, its a difficult job but they make such a difference. Its a beautiful place. I have also finished and sent off all my student papers, Its feeling a bit more real now that I start an actual degree in September, a doorway to the career I have always dreamt of.

When I have a few hours to myself I don't run myself ragged doing chores and spend the whole time wishing I was doing something else. I have that hot bubble bath I have been dreaming of. I double wash my hair to make it more manageable and I 'm not on a time trial. I treat myself occasionally, I buy that shower gel I like the most, I have a few glasses of rum, I use the good hand cream on myself, I play music that I want to listen to and I dance around the living room in my full unco ordinated glory. I read books! I mediatate, I take long walks listening to the birds and the leaves. I drink hot cups of tea, I nap and I write daft blog posts.
 I have been using the "headspace" app daily and its really helped me find a better and more positive way of thinking about things, and myself. By doing these daily meditations I have really been able to reprogramme my mind to focus on the positive and accept, note and move on from anything negative that enters my mind. Like any new skill it takes practice and patience but I fully believe it is worth the time and subscription fee. Spotify and Headspace is 9.99 a month, and its the best money I spend on myself ever.

I still have my problems and worries in life, just as everyone does. At times I do feel totally overwhelmed by them. But by letting people in, accepting help and advice ,having meaningful relationships, having goals and dreams, looking after myself, remembering I am important too, and really appreciating life and everyone in it has really made me a happier, calmer and more content person, and mother....knew the little monkeys would slip back in somehow!

Anyway, this post has ended up being a bit different to my initial ideas, but thats cool. I think I have got accross my main point. To whoever is reading this, just be you and remember you are so important, no really...go take that walk, bubble bath, drive that youve been thinking about, and bloody enjoy it!!

Until next time, thanks for visiting! XxxxX

February 12th, what a day!

Today has been one of those days that have  Had so many thoughts and emotions packed into a small amount of hours, once it draws to a close and you finally sit down, relax and try to take it all in... It leaves you thinking.... Wow  what a fucker.

So it all started off to a good start, the boys slept out at their nannys. The house is eerily quiet, Craig was out working so just Evelyn and I at home. It was lovely to be able to wake up because that's when we wanted to, not because Connor is poking mt head and asking if it's morning yet....at 5.30am.
Craig came home with wine, chocolates and roses for me, as a little early valentines surprise. In all the years I've spent with that plonker he's never been able to keep a secret or a surprise, he was like a big kid this morning hopping about with a massive grin on his face. God I love that face...
So, beautiful start to the day. Couldnt get much better really. Craig went off to bed, I pottered about with really boring chores i shan't bore you further with, and got Evelyn ready for her first ever day out with her Nanny and brothers, without mum tagging along. I was a bit, a lot nervous! Of course I knew she would be fine and she would be so happy to go as shes always seemed sad seeing her brothers go without her. Her massive beaming smile whilst she kicked her legs in the back of nanny's car was enough reassurance of that!

So, I was free! Childfree for the day for the first time in 16ish months. I had all these plans, but I decided I needed to get out of the house of else ill spend the whole day doing rubbish chores and waste time I could be dedicating to myself.

I got in my car, Spotify playlist on full blast. No kids to strap in, no lego movie or moana songs on loop, no arguing over the air con being too hot or cold, no bags toys nothing. Just me.

I decided to visit my Mum at her home. I dont visit often, as the boys get really frightened and Evelyn just runs about and sometimes the other residents try to pick her up and its just all a bit too much.
As usual I start feeling sick, my stomach ties itself in knots and I carry on driving the way to her, even though in my head I am thinking up a bazillion other things I could be doing instead. After a few deep breaths I go in to find her asleep in a chair, just like all the other old men and women. She doesn't stand out, I mean she should. She should look completely ridiculous in an elderly care home. A woman aged 59. I should be planning her 60th party, making sure she got completely hammered and be going on spa days, pestering her to babysit and be nicking her clothes and jewelery. Talking to her on the phone for hours and be moaning at her for spoiling my kids. Just normal mother daughter stuff.

 Instead,  I sat there with her today, watching her stare into space. Occasionally locking eyes with me, smiling and turning away again. What can I talk to her about really? I wanted to tell her all about the trip to jump yesterday. First time in forever myself, my kids, both my brothers and my nephews were together, having fun, laughing and beginning a little treasure chest of family memories. Something that's so important, something that my brother and I want to give to our kids. But she was so distant, my brother had warned me...but I doubt she knew who I was today. There is something to brutal, so raw about looking your own Mum in the eye and realising she has no clue who you are. That she's so far away that her own daughter just becomes another face.

I only stayed a little while, my eyes were feeling prickly and my throat tight with every offer for tea or look from a member of staff. I drove home in a daze. The song everglow by coldplay always makes my mind drift to my Mum, the idea that the love someone gives you leaves an eternal glow, a feeling a warmth. No matter how the relationship ended. It was on shuffle, and the next song was the song I've chosen in mind for when Craig and I get married some day. Perhaps that was Mum's way of saying I love you, live your life enjoy it and make sure everyone you love, knows. I fully believe my Mum has gone, moved on. Just her physical presence remains. Perhaps its just a coincidence.

After stopping off breifly to just breathe and recentre myself I fully enjoyed walking around a shop in peace (I definitely deserved a bottle of wine tonight). I came home, woke Craig and had lunch together in bed.... What a novelty that is! I ran myself a hot bubble bath and didn't come out till I was wrinkly and relaxed. I put on comfy clothes, big socks and made a huge mug of fennel tea!
I received an email today telling me to apply for student finance for my up coming degree in September. I am so looking forward to beginning this new chapter, to train for something that has always been interesting to me. Something that will open up so many doors for myself and my family. Completing that application was really exciting, a little reminder it's really happening. Note to self, I really need to get Evelyn's childcare organised!

Lots of little knocks on the door signalled the three little monsters were home and hugs and kisses from them were exactly what I needed. Now the boys are asleep, and I am watching Moana for the 500th time cuddled up with my little squish. Hoping she drops off soon so I can crack open those chocolates.... And the wine!!

Until next time,  thanks for visiting!

XxxxX