It's the Easter holidays, the kids are back at school in a few days and I was really looking forward to spending some time with the boys all together and feeling a bit daunted at the thought of pretty much being soley responsible for them having a fun few weeks. I had a plan, planned every day lots of play dates and meet ups. Perfect
Today we have been at home, and I don't know if it was the fact I've had crap nights sleep for the last two nights, literally being up every hour. Or that I've developed a really sore gammy eye today or that Evelyn has decided that I simply cannot leave her sight or spoon feed her under any circumstances ( she will only allow finger foods or something she can feed herself, she blows raspberries at me and screams if I try!) Or perhaps all of that together but ergh I've not handelled today.
I remember writing a post about having more duvet days and how bloody sparkly and wonderful it was and it makes me pull faces reading it now ha! We did manage to watch a film and play and make easter cakes but in-between all that instagram level parenting the boys have had around 453 arguments, some resulting in full physical fighting, I've shouted I've stomped and I've locked myself in the kitchen considering running away, just for a minute.
Being a third timer now, I know motherhood pretty much means I'll feel like this sometimes and the mum guilt I feel for being anything other than chilled and sparky is tremendous. I worry by telling Danny to stop constantly whinging will mean he becomes an emotionally closed adult or that telling Connor for the love of god to go and put some bloody pants on will make him rebel and be a streaker when he's older. I don't know. I find myself longing for some time away from the kids where I can just let be me. I fantasise about long uninterrupted baths, listening to music at night with my headphones in. ( I did this once laying in bed, Connor came in and tapped my arm asking for more drink and I nearly flew across the room....never again!)
I long for meals out at places that don't have a kids menu, trips to the cinema where the film isn't about some cartoon dog or lego creature. Peeing and showering alone!! Straightening my hair!! Popping to the shops without an army of children, car seats, bags, buggies and spare pants. I reminisce on my life before kids, I had a good job and a good wage I could pretty much do what I wanted with, I had my own little car, I got drunk with my friends whenever we fancied, we would sit in McDonald's chatting until closing time....closing time!!!
But of course, back then, all I longed for was the sleepless nights, a house full of little people who think you're brilliant, the handprints over everything, toys, a phone bursting with a million pictures of smiling, sleeping, busy children, a tivo box full of paw patrol and power rangers, a bath full of cups and toy boats.
I know we are all entitled to a few I want to run away and eat ice cream days, and this has definitely been one of mine. So I shan't let the mummy guilt fester. Tomorrow is a new day. We have a birthday party to go to and tomorrow afternoon I promised we can watch Charlie and the chocolate factory, now Danny and I have finished reading it, and eat easter eggs. And I will try not to be grumpy mummy and lock myself in the kitchen again!
Thanks for visiting XxxX
