Broken hearts, scars and laughter lines

As ever, its been the longest time. I guess when I was posting fairly regularly, I felt I needed to say a lot, raise awareness that kinda thing. Posting about dealing with recurrent miscarriages and my Mother's dementia made it feel less isolating, and also a way to explain in detail, to a bigger amount of people all at once. Perhaps this is why I haven't posted in so long, I just haven't felt like talking.

I hadn't planned on talking about this subject, but I feel I can't really bypass it. My Mother passed away in March this year, I was prepared but I feel as if it's still hitting me. It's the strangest feeling, I have been slowly loosing her to dementia for around 9 years now so I feel as if I'm both newly bereaved, and also being without her is so deeply wound into me. 

Anyone who knew my Mum as she was will understand when I say for most of my life ,I was known as "Jacky's daughter" she was a formidable woman. Well known and passionate about her job and helping to make the lives of others touched by autism a little less daunting. When others began to learn of her decent into dementia I became known as "Grace, Jacky's daughter" I was described as "strong" and people would comment on how unfair it all was. I guess since shes passed, and time has slowly moved on I wonder where I am now... Jacky's daughter, Grace, something else.

I guess what I'm saying is her death has left me feeling a little overwhelmed, questioning everything and everyone. While she was alive ,even though she may not have even known who I was at times, I would still see her with the kids, show her photos, tell her about things, see her smile. Now, that's gone. I finished my first year of uni soon after she passed, and I got a shit hot grade for my exam, it cut me up I couldn't call up my Mum and hear her call me a smart arse. 

I know she's around me a lot, believe what you like, but I do believe her spirit is close to me. I believe she's around helping me to heal, picking me up, telling me to stop being a miserable cow. When Craig's Dad died the kids were told if they see a Robin close it's sent from their Granddad to check up on them and let him know how they are. Well, they asked me what bird Nanny Jacky has, and I swear to god we have been stalked by a huge bloody great crow since March, so we now wave at "Nanny's crow" most days !

I feel my mind is so busy, and so empty all at once. I find myself overthinking, under thinking over planning and thinking fuck it . It feels like everything has just been knocked over, everything is swirling around and all needs to settle before I get back to feeling a bit more like myself. 

I have gone to delete this so many times, I feel sick yet empowered at how vulnerable this makes me feel. The messages I received from sharing my darkest times before showed me that being raw, real and honest these days is precious, and brave. Hiding away and shutting down is something I could do pretty easily....hell, I'd have the best excuse to. But won't learn anything from that, growth and moving forward is uncomfortable, if you're going in the right direction. 

Normal business will resume shortly, my next planned post is of a much happier nature. Ups and downs make the person. Broken hearts, scars and laughter lines are what separate you from another, and I'm one of those weirdos who will share the whole lot online. 😂👍😂

Until next time, 

Grace, Jacky's daughter.