Lost things ❤️

  

Lost things

Lost, what a peculiar thing

It can mean misplaced, forgotten, left behind

Or it can mean death, destruction, despair

The new pot of hair pins always looks so proud on my bedside table. Overflowing with little black pins. Within weeks the level will have dropped to half - pins lost to the washing machine, the side of the bed, the car, my handbag. Lost in plain sight

Whilst sliding remaining pins into my hair, I stare at my reflection. Half pondering how best to capture hair pieces for my intentional 'messy bun'. Half considering what I have lost before.

Straight to the jugular, I think of the five babies I have 'lost'. They may have been no bigger than those hair pins. They may have been tiny, to some not quite a baby, but they all had names, estimated birthdays, I had checked their star signs. I had imagined their faces, their first birthday cakes. All those plans and dreams, lost. The pain and emptiness that comes with that kind of loss still lingers on. Perhaps that's because I choose to hold onto that pain, as it's my only reminder they were here. Instead of reaching my arms they remain forever young, like the lost boys from Peter Pan.

Another gut punch. I also lost my Mum. She lost her memories, her understanding, herself, her voice. Until, she lost how to breathe. All I could do was hold her hand, talk of unlost times. Try to walk her back into her new world. I think perhaps she wanted to stay lost.

After living in that land of lost for so long, I too, began feeling lost. The floor is made of shifting sands, the air is dense and swirling. There are no solid entities to place markers on. Breadcrumbs dissolve away. I realise I have lived in lost for a very very long time. Growing up with no family to use as a base, no backstory. No grandparents with photos of me grinning in my new school uniform. No parents evenings. Alien.

I have been here a long time, perhaps I've wandered into a part of lost not many  find. I began to separate into tiny pieces, joining the swirling wind, moving deeper into lost. Then a light appeared, small at first, it flickered and grew, until I couldn't ignore it. I stopped disbanding and moved towards it. It was made from my children, they created this door for me, their calls, their laughs, their cries. They created this door for me to transport me back into their world, where the ground is flat, height markers line the walls. That stubborn spaghetti stain still on the floor, the air is filled with "Mummy, I need you!" "Mummy, come and play!" Once more.

The time I spent in lost was one I won't forget. Occasionally I return for an hour or two, but I'm solid now I make my own floor. The wind whips around me, but takes nothing, it just reminds me to return - I need a jacket.

Every day a little piece of me returns from lost, stronger its sides more defined. It slots back better than before, it won't come loose again. Family traditions, walls of smiling faces, routines, meditation, new plants, woodland walks, cuddles, good morning kisses, new opportunities, things to look forward to, Craig and my children as anchors make the world of lost small, and further away.

I hope my children never learn of the world of lost. If they do my arms will reach through that portal and pull them back into a hug. They will never be lost like me. Captain Hook will have to look elsewhere.

I smile, slide my hand into my jacket pocket. Oh look, a hair pin. ❤️

Opposites. Today we had to come up with a list of opposites and go with it.

 Ice and fire 

Ownership and desire 

Tradition and honour to seeing where life takes you

Saving and having 

Your outwards smile, and the real one invisible to all but you

Make up free and sourcery

Accepted and reviled

Lovers embrace, and the one to save face

Girl all the bad guys want, guy all the bad girls want 

Matches and clashes 

Desire, to want, to crave, consume, drunk on fire,

You desire those shoes, the fancy ring, that must have mongrel,

You max out your cards, send the Dams

Break your rules again and again 

For desire is fast, hungry, heat, passion, raw

Once you give into her you can not escape,

There, you have it, you're the owner now,

Was it everything you hoped for?

Now, will you nurture, care, fight to keep it going? 

What will you do when the flames settle, and turn to ash

Does ice excite you as much as the fire

Ownership over desire 

Ice settles where sparks used to live 

Will you open up your apps, selling pages, rehome, dump, move on to the next spark, hoping this one keeps you warm for longer.

Can't you see that ice is magic too? 

A slower love yes, she is stable, beauty and dangerous too

Great glaciers, icicles that sparkle, a frozen lake for dancing

In time others will turn up at your door, looking for secrets, burnt too many times from their desires. How can you be so happy without any fires? 

Take care of what you love,

Don't let it burn or melt away,

For it too as the power to be what you crave 

Love it, cherish it, get better every day

You'll find you can build castles of ice, untouchable by flames 

You'll grow, you'll change.

Once you find your ice, you'll never be the same.

Ice and fire

Ownership and desire.

I've just messaged Craig and called him my ice. He's got no idea what I'm talking about 🤣

Drifting - a visualization gone wrong

How I long to drift. For my mind to be quiet. To walk out the door, down tools, raise the anchor and go. Like the plate spinner, 5 star chef, the mother of three. She is also the housewife, the shopper, mediator, entertainment manager, washer, cleaner, cook, animal keeper. 

How I crave to drift. 

I woke up early to find myself tangled between dog, child, man. I ease myself out of my comfort to relieve theirs. I open the door, the dogs tumble out running free as if the garden was brand new every morning. Relieved. I rub sleep from my eyes and stare up at the willow tree, I breathe and listen to her leaves...

I need to net the pond.

I turn away to the flower beds, I watch a solitary bumble bee float around my dahlias. 

I need to water the garden later. 

I notice the empty washing line I need to fill

The dog's relief I missed last night. 

I call in my pack, help the eldest up the step. He's made coffee for me, I smile, I sit, I sip. I watch the blue tits outside the window, kiss him goodbye. 

It's quiet now, everyone is sleeping still. "No one needs anything from me right now."

....I listen, I breathe, I feel my body tingle at the influx of oxygen, and relax. My mind is in a new place, my ears remain on high alert. Like a mother deer watching her baby splash in the river smiling, whilst her ears twitch and turn. 

I begin to relax on that raft. My son, who I normally have to wake at midday, shuffles in on clumsy sleepy feet "Morning Mum" and I'm back. He fixes himself a drink, and plays with a dog. I'm still listening - is he being careful, is he being gentle with him? 

Okay, back on the raft, and into the hammock. I swing from side to side. Deep inside the hammock. My daughter has noticed I am not laying beside her, in she stumbled hair in knots. She's had a dream, she needs to tell me about. 

Okay, hammock. Ahhhh 

Sharp claws work at my leg. Looks like the pack is hungry. I growl him away, later!

'Drift back to the island" - but what about undercurrents and jelly-fi "the water is safe," Ahh, the author of this visualization is a mumma too. 

Typically, the children are all quiet and amusing themselves now, the dogs are resting (lucky them.)

The chickens need feeding soon. I must remember to call about the school jumper order today. 

I should reply to that message. 

I start work again soon, maybe I need new pens. 

Perhaps I can not drift right now. Perhaps my pulls are too great in size and number. Perhaps my pack needs me too much for me to let go and howl at the moon. Perhaps when I do I'll burst into flames of creativity, energy and magic. Perhaps, "Mum, what's for breakfast?"

My mermaid story. She's been waiting to swim out of my mind for decades.

 Day 4 - water 

Eeeek, I so enjoyed this one! A chance to finally get into words a very strong memory of my childhood, that still baffles me to this day. 

Did you know it's water nymphs that flow from river to lake, to sea to swamp. Swapping their stories as they pass. Never staying for long, always mixing, swirling, dissolving into each other. Salt gives way to murk, murk becoming clear and crisp. They have flowing hair, colourless eyes, beautiful...yet dangerous. She can rejuvenate you as quickly as she can take you. Calm, yet beastly beneath. But beautiful, always beautiful. 

She holds untold treasures in her depths, lost things, bones, sunken ships. She will keep them forever. She also gives life and a home to a whole menagerie of creatures, from the silver roach to the great whales and mermaids. I met a mermaid once. 

It was the year 1997, I was almost 7 years old myself. It was slap bang in the middle of the summer holidays I had gone on a very rare day out from my bedroom with my Mum and her friend to the beach. I had no real rules to follow, just not to interrupt my Mum's outdoor tanning session. 

  I wondered along the beach, kicking stones, searching for ones with galaxies on their sides to take home and keep. Perhaps I could search for jelly fish again, the life guard seemed so pleased the last time I presented him with my red bucket full of them. 

  The sun was beating down on my bare shoulders. It was too hot to collect stonea right now. I sat by the water's edge, watching the waves in the distance crash and rise. They looked so angry - or perhaps they were playing. It's hard to tell sometimes. All that movement and and energy to arrive at my feet to tap at my toes, gently, almost inviting me in. 

  I accept the invitation. I walk into the water, it is cool, but not cold. I take a moment to catch my breath, and acclimatise to the water. It's lapping around my knees, then my thighs, my stomach, my chest. I push off from the sandy bed and start swimming. I swim until I am away from the noise from the rest of the beach goers. The laughing and screaming kids, their smiling but panicked mothers. Boys on their fancy body boards, strapped to their wrists. However will they learn to swim with no risk, no way to feel the water, to move with her? 

  Once I am far enough out, I take a deep breath and rise to the surface. I float, the sun warm on my face, my ears fill with salty water. I try to listen , to see if I can hear any of its stories. 

  Out of nowhere a girl, about my age, appears. I drop from my float and begin moving my arms in and out, treading water, just keeping my head afloat. Maybe I had gone a little too far this time. "Hello" she said. Her black hair seemed to flow down her face and shoulders as though it was ink, yet it was dry and shiney. Where it met the water it seemed to melt into it. Somehow, I knew it flowed a long way past her hips. Her eyes were so blue it was as if one of those lagoons I had seen in my library books lived inside them. Her skin was perfect and pale, as if it had never been touched by a spot or ice cream or the sun. "Hi," I mumbled back.

Unblinking, she replied "I am a mermaid," my ears heard what I already felt, could it be?? "Oh," I replied, my brain suddenly felt empty. My mouth moved like a freshly caught fish. I searched, and found no words. "You can come with me, I will show you my world, but you will never return here, back to your family again. You must choose quickly, for I can not stay here long." Wow!!! My brain exploded with words, what a chance! I could swim away, I had often considered running away, but this could be so much better! The things I would see! The things I would do! But, wait. Would my Mum, laying on the beach wonder where I had gone, would she look for me? Would she miss me? Would would my dog, Sonic, sleep with at night? Who would feed my hamsters - Charlie, Matt and James? (named after my favourite band Busted.) In a few weeks I can finally go  back to school, I am so excited to move up a year. Maybe I'll get a classroom job if I work really hard. Suddenly, I felt anchored to stay, to land life. I couldn't go with her. "Sorry, I want to stay here," with no change of expression she turned and swam in the other direction, out into the wide ocean. Past the danger sign. I turned too, back to shore. Shamed for upsetting my new friend.  I looked back to see if I could see her. If I could see her inky hair, if I could see her laughing with her friends at me for falling for her trick. Mermaid! How silly. 

  Only, there was no black haired girl, no sign of her at all. I sat back on my spot. The waves tickling at my feet again. Was that real? Had I really just seen a mermaid? 

  I hear my Mum calling me, I run over, I know better than to keep her waiting. "And where have you been?" She asks. "No-where Mum, no-where at all."

It's been a while....

Hello! I feel I used to start most of these entries like this. But this time, it's been years! I used to use this as a space to release. Life has quietened now, the waters have calmed. 

I now live in a sleepy yet magical spot. A bungalow full of quirks on the land of an old farm. Surrounded by trees and pheasants. I have dogs and chickens, some day I'll have geese and perhaps a goat! Craig is still my ... everything. The kids are growing too, Evelyn's started school, her 6th birthday is fast approaching! 

My life doesn't revolve quite so much around them now, there are no nap schedules to live by or bags to pack every time we leave the house. I have a job I enjoy, and gives me room to grow. I'm starting my teacher training, whilst still having the time to be home with them during the holidays. Life is beautiful. 

We are in the tail end of the summer holidays, I stumbled across a free 2 week online writing course. I thought, why not? In a few weeks my brain will be filled to the brim with emails, calls, deadlines, planning so whilst it's empty, why not have a rummage around to see if I can unearth any forgotten treasures. Each day we are given a prompt, or theme to base our writing on. I've got up before the kids each morning to write each day. Some of the things that have been spilling from my mind to the page have left me with a cocktail of emotions- sadness, love, relief.

 As with most things I write I share because honestly, I get a buzz from the intentional vulnerability. It opens up a chance to talk about what I've written, so they don't just live a life hidden away in one of my notebooks. 

I'm half way into my second week now, so I'll post them separately....I do tend to waffle on! Let me know if you enjoy them.

Much love, welcome back, Grace. 

Our holiday in Mersea Island.

Hello!It's time for a much brighter post! Okay, so this is a little round up of our week away at Mersea Island, with away resorts. Craig, his Mum Dawn, Me, the kids and Alfie dog all bundled off for a little adventure.

 It was really important to us to bring him along too. He is a rescue dog, and part of his back story includes being tied up in the garden and his owners moved and left him there, only to get him back....and dump him out of their car soon after. Leaving him in a kennel would break his old man heart, so bringing him along too....even if his breath was diabolical in the back of the car, was a must. Away resorts charges a small dog fee on top of the holiday of £30. I was so shocked, and happy to see that our accommodation options weren't just resorted to a grubby "dog" vans or villas, but anything we wanted! Also, the park, private beach and surrounding attractions were all dog friendly too! Our entire holiday was cheaper than the same week at Centre parcs...and we had nicer accommodation too!

Monday
Mersea Island is just outside of Colchester, Just over 2 hours away from us. It feels like it's in the middle of nowhere, you even have to check the tide times, as you can get shut off! There are cut outs of WW2 soldiers along either side of the road into Mersea Island. It really is quite a stunning tribute. I tried to take a photo whilst Craig was driving, but it doesn't give the tribute anywhere near as much justice.

We arrived and the kids quickly tore around the caravan, we stayed in the Tri be Ca. It had two bedrooms, a bathroom with a shower, kitchen and living room with a huge sofa (that the boys slept on) and a huge smart plasma TV. Dawn and Evelyn stayed in the twin room with a TV, Craig and I had the master room, big comfy bed, a pair of sofa chairs and TV ....and a freestanding bath with a mirror on the wall...that turned into another TV!! Sliding doors that led to a veranda, and a second toilet. Not forgetting the private hot tub outside! Just to add to the excitement, we found a bottle of Prosecco in the fridge, a basket of biscuits and coffee, a big rubber duck Evelyn thought was the cutest thing in the entire world, and a whole bag full of goodies for Alfie!

.....And I obviously had to try out the hot tub a second time kid free! There is a little family of bats nearby that kept swooping past to join me! 

Tuesday  We were all up bright and early, ready to start our first full day. We packed up a picnic and headed to Cudmore Grove park. I later realised that there was a really quick short cut just behind our caravan where we could have walked there, but we took the car and paid the small parking fee. I wish I had taken a video of the kids peering through the trees and catching a glimpse of the park and just running....but I was just grinning and holding onto the dog! There was so much to do, sandpits, climbing frames, woodland walks. The kids took a foam rocket and they ran, climbed and played for hours. 

We took a short walk to the other side of the park to the beach. There was a man there with his bloodhound, it made the loudest noise! Craig taught the kids how to skip stones...his record was 3 skips! We collected shells, and saw a huge jelly fish! 

We got back to the caravan, and the kids were crazing us to go swimming. We blew up our giant inflatable dolphin and walked over to the pool. When we got there we were the only ones in it, the life guard even had to come out of the pub to join us!! It was lovely, the kids had a tonne of fun splashing about, and the boys showed off what they had been learning in their swimming lessons at school. We came home, had a takeaway for tea (there are no food outlets on site, and we had to collect it as they didn't deliver there) but wow, what a burger! 

Full up and tired out, we all cuddled up to watch toy story before bed. 

Once the kids were in bed, I went off for a wonder in search of a good crabbing spot. I found the perfect thinking bench, watched rabbits run over fields, got stuck in quicksand...and found the perfect spot! There was a storm in the night, Craig and I opened up the curtains and laid in bed watching the lightening, it was epic!

Wednesday 

Off we went in search of crabs! We took our own nets, buckets and spades. I had found a perfect little stream of water that led straight to the sea. The kids thought it was hilarious, shouting "CRABS COMING!!" and catching them in their nets. We found lots, and stayed until the tide came in. Connor found a huge crab claw, it was really stinky!! 

There was a "planned power cut"in the camp today. Apparently we should have been informed about it via email, we weren't. The staff began handing out bottles of water and matches for the gas ovens... we were a little unsure how this was all going to plan out ! There isn't a gift shop on site, and the kids wanted to spend their holiday money somewhere. We drove about 25 mins into Colchester town centre to Symths toy store. Evelyn chose a Mrs Potato head, the boys pooled their money together and brought Sonic team races for the play station (yes, we took that on holiday with us!) Craig's work hours mean they don't get much time together to play games with him, and hearing them all racing and cheering together (it's a 3 player!) once the power was back on ....was lovely!

When we got home from shopping the power still wasn't back on. We had a campfire,  played connect 4, what am I?, story dice, jenga and made glow stick necklaces. It was a bit stressful wondering if the power would be back in time to cook tea, etc etc.....but this was one of my favourite moments, making our own fun! Luckily, the power came back on in time for a dip in the hot tub and a bath watching pokemon!

Thursday  Connor was a little disappointed with the arcade on site, and he loves nothing more than a 2p machine. So we took a trip, a little over 1hr 15 to Clacton Pier. We were so impressed! There was so much on offer, and the restaurant was under construction but was incredible, a pirate theme...with a waterfall on the wall! An indoor play area, a splash pad, amusements, shows, bowling. There was even a gypsy fortune teller there who reads palms! Evelyn gets bored in amusements fairly quickly, so I spent most of the time chasing her around whilst Craig and the boys worked their magic on the 2p machines and grabbers, they won Evelyn a Mummy shark...that sings the entire baby shark song.....awesome. 

We got back to the caravan, caught up with Nanny, who had been enjoying her peace and quiet, we all went swimming, to the park and back in the hot tub again for our last night. 

Friday We packed up our cars, said goodbye to the caravan and went back for a last play at Cudmore Grove park again. Danny took his word search book, he's really good at them! Evelyn took Woody to "play in the sand." We found an old WW2 gun battery and crawled inside,it was really strange in there. The kids poked their arms through the small slots for guns and watched the light shine through. 

Connor was so exhausted he fell asleep on the way home!

We made a little mobile  that is hanging in our kitchen out of the shells and branches we found on the beaches on Mersea Island, and we have fond memories of our time there. Evelyn keeps asking to get back in the hot tub! We really did enjoy our time here, and made a tonne of memories. Perhaps we will be back.

 We have been looking at other away resorts, that have more on site, arcades, food places, gift shops, shows for the kids. Mersea Island really was a break away from normal life, and if you have a car and are willing to travel a bit there is plenty near by for everyone. Colchester zoo is only a short drive away, but we didn't want to leave Alfie alone for an entire day. The staff were helpful, the caravan was spotless and the hot tub was checked every day, and I do feel we got value for money, especially in comparison to other big named holiday destinations. We were given the option for 20% off our next stay at Mersea Island as a sorry for the inconvenience gesture because of the power cut, which was kind of them....But our sights have been set on Tattishal lakes in Linconshire for our next holiday, purely because there is more on site for the kids to do. 

Thanks for the memories Mersea Island!